


an eye for an eye and an 'f' for fight

by puffy_pastry



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Failed Attempts at Humor, Gen, M/M, Not Beta'd, Slow To Update, ask questions later, but Levi hates cliches, cliches, don't do it Eren, edit all the time, gratuitous amount of swearing, no Levi, shoot first, still a lot of cliches though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-02-09 07:00:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1973313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puffy_pastry/pseuds/puffy_pastry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a routine job of 'make it look like a robbery gone wrong' goes wrong, Levi finds himself saddled with an apprentice. As his mentor, Levi has to train Eren Yaeger in the 'ways of the assassins' and it just might be the most difficult thing he will ever have to do.</p>
<p>  <em>Everything is going according to plan. The man is barely breathing when Levi leans down to check his pulse and then, when he pulls away… there’s a fucking kid with remarkably bright eyes watching him from the mouth of the alleyway, eyes wide and a lit cigarette forgotten in his hand.</em></p>
<p>  <em>Fuck.</em></p>
<p>  <em>Before the kid can even comprehend what he’s stumbled onto, Levi has already taken out his gun and shot him.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the job goes wrong

Levi’s used to it. Years upon years of doing this have made him well adjusted to all the reactions he might receive, and he knows how to respond in every situation. He’s quick, very quick, and not only that, he can think as well. Some people aren’t like that; they couldn’t think as quickly as they could move or they couldn’t move as quickly as they could think. Levi, of course, has been blessed with both abilities and excels at what he does. But God dammit, never in all his years has he had a mark this annoying.

The man is desperately writhing against the padded cords that bind him, wriggling like a worm, trying to escape. It was never fun to watch the last moments of someone’s life, and though he was used to it, he didn’t like it. The frantic, almost hysterical way people fought against the inevitable, their rambling cries and pleadings. There were people who accepted it, knew they had it coming, and ask for it to be done quickly.

And then there were people like this man, they would keep on struggling no matter how pointless it was, fighting when there was no chance to survive. It got old very quickly, and if he didn’t have to do this a specific way, he would have already put a bullet though the man’s head. As it is, he does have to do this a specific way, so the man’s life is prolonged for just a few minutes more as he drags him deeper into the alleyway.

“Shut up and hold still you little shit.” He murmurs, expertly dodging the man’s flailing feet.

The man isn’t exactly little and he doesn’t shut up, he doesn’t hold still either. His muffled screams resonate dully, bouncing off the high walls that surround them, not loud enough to be heard but loud enough to grate on Levi’s ears. But Levi has finally dragged him to the end of the alley and it’s time proceed with the rest of the job.

_“Make it look like a robbery gone wrong.”_

Right then… take the watch, the wallet, the phone and… oh look, a necklace.

Levi yanks the gold chain from the man’s neck and shoves it into pocket. He searches the man for other valuables and when he finds none, he lifts the man up and pushes him against the wall.

Now… slip the knife between his ribs, deep enough to puncture the lung.

He steps back quickly while pulling the knife out. It would more of a hindrance than anything else if blood got on his clothes. The man drops to the ground, eyes squeezed shut against what much be agonizing pain, his screams have turned into moans that are muffled by the gag. Levi watches him as he curls into a ball and could really care less. The man had it coming.

He drops the knife (robber didn’t mean to kill, things got out of hand and he ran away, leaving the murder weapon behind) and waits for the man to die. It takes a long, long time. By the time he’s taking his last breaths, mouth slack and eyes half-open, Levi has already unbound him, checked to see if the padded cords would leave any bruises (no, good) and wrapped them into little circles that he can conceal easily within his clothes.

Everything is going according to plan. The man is barely breathing when Levi leans down to check his pulse and then, when he pulls away… there’s a fucking kid with remarkably bright eyes watching him from the mouth of the alleyway, eyes wide and a lit cigarette forgotten in his hand.

Before the kid can even comprehend what he’s stumbled onto, Levi has already taken out his gun and shot him.

The sound of the bullet reverberates through the air and Levi knew the craze around those ‘new and improved’ silencers was complete and utter bullshit. He makes his way towards the body, picks up the bullet casing and then pauses for a second to observe the kid. He couldn’t have been more than twenty and yet, Levi notes with mild annoyance, he was taller than him. And the brat had been smoking too. Christ, he had it coming more than the man Levi had been assigned to kill.

“Isn’t it better to go with a quick shot to the head than cancer?” Levi asks the body as he drags it down towards the man.

The body, obviously, does not reply.

With a huff, Levi drops it to the floor and fishes out his phone and dials the only person who’d be happy about the death of innocent civilians.

“L-”

Before they can get a word in, Levi says: “There’s a test subject waiting for you with my mark. Come pick him up before the cleanup crew gets here. They’ll be here within the hour so h-”

“Ooh!” Hange squeals so loudly that Levi is certain they are blatantly attempting to deafen him. “Race, age, height and nationality please.”

Levi swears under his breath and riffles through the kid’s pockets. He finds a wallet, pulls it out and flips through it for some form of identification while listening to Hange’s excited breaths through the phone. There’s a picture of a woman who looks almost exactly like him – his Mother obviously – a credit card, a few dollars, another picture that shows him, a blond boy and a girl of Asian descent, it’s clear that picture was taken ages ago since they all look like bobble-heads… and those two kids in it are probably his friends – friends who will never know what happened to the kid – and… there it is, a student ID card and fuck, he’s just killed a minor. Whoops.

“Name: Eren Yeager. Age: seventeen. Height: looks about five foot six-ish. Don’t know where the fuck he’s from. Yeager? That’s German right? Probably part-German then.” Levi informs them. He pauses, eyes flicking from the photo back to the kid, and then adds: “Also, he’s got a bullet hole in his head.”

“Couldn’t you have shot him through somewhere else?” Hange whines out, voice tinny and shrill; it grates on Levi’s ears more than his mark’s muffled screams had. “I really need a brain.”

“You want the body or not?” Levi demands to know. “Coz the cleanup crew can take care of him if you don’t.”

“I’ll take it.” Hange grumbles out and Levi knows they’re excited despite their attempt to not sound like it. “Next time, shoot them through the heart or something. I’ve got an excess of hearts, it’s like you people only want to shoot them in the head. I don’t need any more hearts Levi. I need brains!”

“It’ll be my number one priority.” Levi assures them sarcastically as he pockets the wallet because Erwin will want information about the extra body.

Before he can hang up, Hange manages to squeeze in a response: “Even higher than cleaning? Oh my God, Levi! I didn’t know you cared!”

“Fuck you.” Levi retorts. He hangs up to the sound of Hange’s cackle and makes his way towards the entrance of the alleyway. In the dead of the night, there is no one around to see him as he casually walks away from the two dead bodies.

 

***

 

Mike steps into the alleyway and his nose is assaulted with a hundred different types of putrid smells and, Goddammit, this is why he’d voted against making this look like a robbery gone wrong. Erwin had immediately vetoed against the idea of making it look like a drug overdose, but he’s not the one that has to make sure no evidence is left behind. He just sits behind his desk and calls the shot while Mike has to make his way through piles of trash – newspapers, beer bottles, bubblegum (and it’s sticking to his shoe like it, too, does not want to be in this filth) and oh dear God, condoms. Fucking used condoms.

With his keen and almost scary sense of smell, Mike can almost taste the horrid odors and it’s disgusting. Grumbling, he makes his way towards the body and observes it carefully for any signs of evidence that could make the police suspicious.

He doesn’t see why he needs to be here. Levi never leaves any evidence behind. But then he spots something and realizes that there was a good reason for him to be here. Levi may not leave any evidence behind but Hange certainly does.

They must have tripped over the mark’s body in their rush to get to the other one because Levi most certainly would not have left the body in that position. It’s not that bad actually; it makes it look like whoever killed the mark had stumbled over them to get away. Well, it wouldn’t be that bad if Hange hadn’t left their glasses behind. And if they’ve left their glasses behind, then they’ve most likely left something else behind as well.

It’s not that they’re careless; it’s more like they forget everything when there’s something else to be discovered. They’d be like crows if crows liked dead bodies instead of shiny objects.

Mike sighs and pulls his phone out. He dials Nanaba’s number and waits for her to pick up.

“Are we needed?” She asks before he can get a word in.

“Yes.” He tells her. “Hange has left an orgy of evidence.”

“We’ll bring the van around.” She says and then Mike hears her yell out to the crew: “Lynne, Gelgar, Henning! Let’s roll out!”

Mike hangs up and glumly stares at the brick while waiting for them to arrive.

 

***

 

Hange makes their way back into HQ, bubbling to the brim with excitement. It washes through their body in this uncontrollable sort of glee that leaves them jittery and grinning like a mad man. They sneak through the back entrance, weave in and out through the hidden rooms and make their way up to Erwin’s office, where Levi is most likely be getting his ass chewed out for killing innocent little university students while on the job.

It’s fine as long as he does it during downtime but when he’s clocked in, it becomes Erwin’s problem and Erwin does not like problems. At least the ones he hasn’t created or is aware about.

“… wasn’t my fault. The kid was there when I looked up.” They hear Levi’s monotonous voice through the closed door. “What was I supposed to do? Say…”

Levi’s voice fades away as Hange begins to think. Levi is not the kind of person who’s easily shocked; as a matter of fact, Hange can count, on one hand, the amount of times that he’s shown any emotion apart from flat cynicism. They are convinced that sarcasm and monotony run through his veins instead of blood. It’ll be nice to see some emotion on his expressionless face.

They swipe their keycard through the slot, punch in their code, scan their eye, lick the blood of their lips and smile gleefully as the door slides open.

It’s kind of disappointing because they can’t see anything properly and they do hope that Mike brings back their glasses because losing them means that this showdown is nothing but blurry objects and they _can’t even see Levi’s face_ …

A few seconds later the sound of a gunshot resounds throughout Erwin’s office and a body drops to the floor like a sack of potatoes with a thud.

 

***

 

“You killed an underage civilian.”

Erwin’s sitting behind the desk with his arms neatly folded atop the mahogany desk and his face carefully blank. He glances down at the student ID card that Levi had tossed onto his desk as soon as he’d come in and then picks up the wallet Levi had tossed with it. There is no sound as Erwin flips through it. The silence continues as he put the wallet back down gingerly and patiently waits for Levi to agree with his statement, unblinking and unmoving. Levi nods in agreement and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall and waiting for Erwin’s reaction.

Erwin blinks once. And then blinks once more. And then he exhales a long breath that signifies a man who, all by himself, has to get shit done. “Why?” He asks in a calm voice.

“It wasn’t my fault.” Levi informs him and if he were anyone else his words would be petulant but he is not anyone else. “The kid was there when I looked up. What was I supposed to do? Say ‘it’s not what it looks like’ and hope he’d believe me? That shit doesn’t even work in movies Erwin, how d’you think it would have played out in real life?”

Erwin’s about to say something but is interrupted when the door slides open with a soft hiss. Levi turns to look at who’s just come and – what in the ever-loving fuck?

The kid – Eren Yeager, _what the fuck?_ – is standing there, holding a gun to Hange’s head. There’s a thin line of blood trailing down his forehead but Levi had shot him in the head… there is no bullet hole.

_What the fuck?_

Levi had shot him. Levi clearly remembers pulling out his gun and shooting the kid. He remembers the bullet whizzing through the air and into his skull. He remembers picking up the casing and dragging the body away from the entrance of the alleyway but there is _no fucking bullet hole_.

Hange is standing there – hair and clothes askew, glasses missing and blood trickling down their lips and it looks like they’ve been in one Hell of a fight – grinning like a maniac despite the fact that there is a gun pressed against their temple. Of course they fucking are. At the prospect of a world-changing discovery, they’d probably be dancing with joy if a gun wasn’t being pointed at them. And it is a world-changing discovery because the kid was as dead as fucking doornails when Levi had been dragging him across the alleyway.

And yet here he is… bright eyes blazing and almost luminous with anger, and with rage twisting his expression into something animalistic.

“You shot me.” He snarls, and he’s clearly affronted with the action Levi had taken.

Yes, Levi had. Straight through the head in fact. So how is he still here? Besides what else was Levi supposed to do?

Fuck that. What’s he supposed to do now?

There’s a kid who should be dead holding a gun to Hange’s head and although Levi wishes they’re dead half the time, he doesn’t really want them to die, especially if he’s not the one killing them. And then there’s Erwin, Captain America is watching the event unfold so calmly it’s like he was expecting this to happen.

In a room that holds a mad scientist, Mr Cool and Mr How-The-Fuck-Are-You-Still-Alive, Levi feels like he’s the only sane person. And he does the only rational thing a sane person would do in a situation like this. Within the blink of an eye, Levi’s gun is out, his target is lined up and he’s pulling the trigger.

_BANG!_


	2. the kid's an idiot (and so is everyone else)

The world comes back to him slowly. For a while he’s trapped in a void of darkness, floating aimlessly through the nothingness almost peacefully. He feels like he’s on the edge of long-need sleep, all his senses dulled and his muscles relaxed, and then his hearing returns.

“… do that for Levi? He’s just a harmless little boy.” Someone complains.

“Harmless?” Someone else spits out harshly. “You may have failed to notice that the kid had a gun to your head Hange, but I didn’t. And that’s pretty fucking far from harmless if you ask me.” There is a small pause and then the voice comes back, adding a few more words to his sentence like they’re an afterthought. “Also, he came back from the dead.”

The second person is definitely a man; Eren is one hundred percent certain of this, but he can’t determine if the first person’s gender. He waits quietly for his other senses to return as the two begin squabbling.

“And your reaction is to shoot him in the head?” The first person asks in a voice filled with disbelief.

The second person scoffs and answers the question with his of own. “Yours isn’t?”

“Oh my God, Levi! You can’t just shoot someone in the head after they come back to life.”

“Why not? I shot him before.”

“Exactly! The first time was necessary. But the second time…? Now that’s just rude.”

“Fuck off Hange. I did what any sane person w-”

“You? Sane? Phst, get out of here!”

Eren tunes them out as he wonders where the third person might be. Eren knows that there were two people in the room when he’d burst in with his captive – a short raven-haired man and a blond. He’d been sitting behind a desk before and Eren wonders if he’s still there.

“Yes, I am sane. And even if I’m not, I’m the sanest person in this room at least.”

“That’s not true. Eren might be saner than you. But we might never know because you shot him in the head!”

Eren almost jumps when he hears his name but manages to freeze his muscles just in time. And when his sense of touch finally returns he almost jumps again because someone’s holding his hand and stroking gently like it’s a cat or something.

“He came back like Frankenstein, Hange. And I never thought I’d say this but he’s probably the least sane among us, even less sane than y-”

“That’s not true! Frankenstein wasn’t the monster’s name; it was the name of the doctor who created him. Get your facts right.”

“No.”

“Wow, real mature, Levi. Real mature.”

“Hey, I’m not the one w-”

“Hello Eren… so nice of you to come back to the land of the living.”

Eren opens his eyes, sees nothing but white for a second, and then sits up. The first thing he notices is that the gun he had is no longer in sight. He scans the room; it’s all white walls and rich, dark wood with artwork, each probably costing more than Eren’s school fees, tastefully decorating the walls. There’s a woman right beside him, her eyes are glazed and she’s salivating over him like he’s a donut and she’s a cop. There’s a man, sitting behind the table, he makes an imposing figure as he just _sits_ there and stares at Eren with no emotions. It’s like he knows everything about Eren and is waiting for him to spill all his secrets.

And then there’s _him,_ the asshole who’s shot him _two times_ now. He’s glaring down at Eren through narrowed eyes, lips pursed and body stiff. Eren also takes into notice that one of his hands is on a gun, fingers wrapped around the weapon, ready to shoot him at any given moment. Jesus Christ, what a trigger-happy person this man is.

He matches the man’s glare with one of his own and says…

 

***

 

“You shot me.” The kid says angrily.

_And_ , Levi thinks as he puts his gun back into its holster, _I wouldn’t mind shooting you again, if only to wipe the indignant look off your face._

But Erwin wouldn’t be happy about that, and he’s pretty sure that Hange just might attack him like a rabid dog if he does. The kid’s expression changes for a second when Hange reaches out to sweep his hair away from his forehead and then cup his cheek almost lovingly. They get the chance to run their thumb gently over Eren’s cheekbone before he’s slapping their hand away, looking even more indignant than before.

“You’re stating the obvious kid.” Levi murmurs, watching in sick fascination as Eren’s flesh finally stops knitting itself back up, not leaving any sign of a bullet entry. “How did y-”

“ _Twice_.” He cuts in and Levi can see his face slowly growing red with anger. “That’s two times and I don’t even know why you did it the first time.”

Levi blinks. He’s genuinely shocked by what the kid is saying. How could he not have known what Levi had been doing? Is he seriously that stupid? “You’re kidding right? Are you telling me that didn’t even notice the dead guy I was standing over?”

It’s the kid’s turn to blink. When he does, the rage that had begun forming a storm in his eyes vanishes; in their teal hue all Levi sees is confusion. He looks young then, younger than he already is. It’s shocking how quickly his expressions can change. But it’s not just his expression that changes, his whole body shifts with whatever he’s feeling. In all his life, Levi has never seen anyone more open than this kid and he’s known only him for less than half an hour. The confusion only lasts for a second though, and soon Levi’s passed the eye of the storm and is back into the raging sea.

“What, do you go around just shooting people?” He demands to know, voice a low growl with what he might think is righteous fury. “Do you _enjoy_ it? Is it _fun_?”

Levi contemplates what would happen if he were to say ‘yes’ as he absentmindedly watches Hange reaching out, with a reverent look on their face, to touch Eren once more. From what he’s knows about the kid, Levi’s already gathered that he isn’t all that bright. He’d come in, gun blazing, with Hange (of all people) held as his hostage. If Levi were him, he would’ve turned tail and ran, or at least come up with a plan better than gung-ho for revenge and whatnot.

While he is contemplating how to answer, Erwin speaks up. “I know this must be awful for you Eren.” He says with a smooth and understanding tone and Eren scoffs at his words. “You’ve gone through a terrible ordeal, for which you have my sincerest and most heartfelt apologies. Truly, we did not mean for this to happen and I know this may not be the best time for introductions but please, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Erwin Smith, Director of the Survey Corps. We’re a facility that specializes in espionage, extortion, gathering and marketing information and neutralizing threats. Of course, we cater to a small, select people and we’re actually just one part of…”

Eren’s anger dissipates, giving way to confused concentration somewhere in between Erwin’s apology and his introduction of the Survey Corps.  Now the kid’s eyebrows are furrowed up and his head is creased with lines as he tries to make sense of Erwin’s words.

Erwin always does this. He talks too much, relying on his long tirades to confuse people and get them to succumb to his wishes. God only knows how many times he’s used this very technique on Levi. Not that it works on him, Levi gives in simply because he doesn’t want to listen to Erwin droning on and listing down all the reasons he’s right and why everyone else around him is wrong a-that has been Erwin’s technique all along, hasn’t it?

_Why am I just figuring this out?_

Levi frowns as he contemplates this. Fuck the kid that can’t die because if Erwin’s been playing Levi all along this will not end well. And Levi will remain angry with the blond for a grand total of one week (maybe even less) before getting over it.

Actually… maybe Levi will shave Erwin’s eyebrows off in retaliation. It will be a swift and devastating blow, one that Erwin will never see coming and will leave him totally powerless. Yes, that is what Levi will do.

_Note to self_ , Levi dictates mentally, _make sure to shave those things Erwin considers eyebrows right off his smug face_.

With the note concluded, Levi turns his attention back to the conversation at hand and he’s just in time to watch Eren hold up his hand and interrupt Erwin’s speech.

“Wait… what does that even mean?” He demands to know.

The expression on his face is the same as several kids that Levi had seen when he’d gone undercover as a University student. Since he looks younger than he actually is, he’d been assigned to the task of… well, let’s just say it had been a rather messy task, and when the professor has begun speaking (long words that Levi didn’t understand, nor did he want to, rolling smoothly off his tongue), the kids in front of him had looked at each other with an expression that screamed: ‘I do not understand this language!'.

“It means…” Hange begins and they’re almost vibrating with glee as they grab one of Eren’s hands between their own. “… that money talks and we’re the worst kind of people in this world.”

Levi decides to enlighten Eren before Hange can confuse him further than Erwin already has. “We’re mercenaries, kid.” He says and Eren freezes in the middle of an attempt to tear his hand away from Hange’s. “Something not going your way? We’ll make it go your way if you can pay up. Want information? How much are you willing to pay? Want someone dead? What’s the price on their head? Want our services? Well, how much money do you have?”

All the while Levi is saying this, Eren’s eye grow impossibly wide and  Levi wonders just how and why this seventeen year old kid is, as all evidence points out, immortal. He isn’t anything special, just another civilian Levi would have brushed past on a busy street, only taking notice of his bright eyes for a second before he moved on.

“You kill people.” Eren speaks after a moment of silence and his words are a statement, not a question.

His eyes are fixed on Levi like he’s a bull and Levi’s decked out in red. The pure hate and disgust in them is so clear and so easy to see; the dark emotions twisting his expression to something that ugly but in a beautiful way. He’s entirely forgotten about Hange who is almost salivating over his hand, and Levi thinks this is unfair because he had said ‘we’, not ‘I’ but he’s still the one being glared at.

“For money.” Levi adds just to see what would happen if he aggravated the kid further.

“You steal things! Blackmail people! _Kill people!_ All for money!” He tugs his hand out of Hange’s grasp and stands up on shaky feet. Levi pulls his gun out; the kid seems harmless, he’d barely managed to stand up, but it never hurts to be careful. “How can you live with yourselves? How can you sleep a-”

The kid stops talking when music fills the room. He blinks rapidly several times as if coming out of a trance and reaches into his pocket to take his phone out. For a while, he stares at the screen and mouths a word that Levi can’t decipher.

“Why don’t you answer the call, Eren?” Erwin asks, he speaks like he’s just made a suggestion but it’s clear that his words are an order.

Eren’s eyes flicker from between Erwin and the phone. He’s clearly undecided about what to do so Levi gives him an incentive to answer the call. He cocks his gun, points it at Eren and says: “Put it on loudspeaker.”

Eren glares at him but, under the threat of being shot, does as he’s told.

“Eren, I swear to God, if you complete that History assignment without me, I will decimate you.” A female voice growls, her voice is muffled by static but still understandable, and she is obviously enraged about History assignments being completed without her. That’s strange, Levi thought most kids would be happy to have other people do assignments for them.

“Hello to you as well Mi-”

“I’m serious Eren.” The girl, evidently a friend, cuts in. “It’s a group project. Don’t you dare start it without me.”

“I don’t need your help.” Eren responds with a voice filled with annoyance and it’s clear he’s already forgotten about where he is. “I can do it by myself.”

“If you want to live you better not.” The girl advises him.

“Mikasa…” Eren starts in an almost vindictive tone. “I can do it myself. I-”

“Where are you?” Mikasa cuts in. “I’m coming to get you.”

“For… I won’t do it. I promise.” Eren groans, rolling his eyes. “Are you happy?”

“No. Where are you? You were meant to be home an hour ago.”

“I… um… I’m coming?” Eren says weakly, offering no explanation as to why he’s not home yet. Levi stares at him in disbelief because no one, _no one_ , could possibly that bad at making excuses.

“But you should’ve been here five minutes ago.” The girl, who Levi concludes must be Eren’s sister, points out in a deceptively calm voice. “So where are you now?”

“Late…?” Eren replies but he says it like he’s guessing rather than answering. The girl doesn’t say anything and Eren fidgets uncomfortably during the few seconds of silence and then adds: “Um… I’m with some friends.”

There’s a hitch in the woman’s breath, like she’s surprised by what Eren’s said. It leads Levi to think that Eren is the type of kid who only has a few friends. That’s probably due to his rashness and stupidity.

“Aren’t we enough?” She asks in a whisper, unaware that everyone in Erwin’s office can hear her.

Eren’s eyes flicker between the three people in the room with him. “Well…” He hesitates and Levi catches his eyes falling onto his gun before he quickly looks away. “They’re… uh… very good listeners? Not that you aren’t a good listener or anything. It’s just – yeah…”

There’s another pause on the other side of the line. Levi thinks it’s because Eren’s words might have accidently hurt the girl’s feelings, that or she can hear through the complete and utter horseshit that Eren’s spewing out.

“Oh.” The girl finally speaks up and her voice is flat but Levi can still detect the hurt laced in it. “I see… when are you coming home?”

“Soon.” Eren assures her; he opens his mouth as if to say something else but doesn’t actually say anything.

“Okay.” The girl says and then takes a deep breath before adding: “I want to meet these new friends of yours, Eren. Bring them over sometime. You’re a terrible judge of character and I d-”

“For God’s sake! I am not a b- goodbye Mikasa.” Eren barks out a second before ending the call. When he looks up, he actually jumps a little and no. Just no. He couldn’t have possibly forgotten where he was. He’d looked up at them a second ago. Levi refuses to believe that anyone so… so daft can exist in this day and age.

“Was that your sister Eren?” Erwin enquires and he still hasn’t moved from where he’s sat. Levi glares at him and hopes his ass has gone numb.

“No.” Eren denies it way too quickly for it to be untrue and he must realize it as well because he sighs and then grumbles out: “Yeah, she’s my sister. But you leave her out of this. I swear to God, if you even think about t-”

“Ooh!” Hange squeals, positively delighted, they lean in and look up at Eren with undisguised curiosity in their eyes. She wraps her arms around him and begins firing questions at him. “Is she like you? Is she? Or does she have a different ability? How many of you are there? Is this an inherent ability or were you made in a lab. Are you superheroes? Oh, imagine if you were superheroes. This is so exci-”

Eren finally breaks free of Hange’s embrace and stumbles back, almost falling down again. He stares at them in horrified confusion and asks: “What even are you?”

Before Hange can answer him, Erwin pushes away from his desk and stands up. He runs his fingers over the creases in his suit – imaginary creases because no suit would ever dare to wrinkle up when it’s worn by Erwin Smith – and grabs Eren’s wallet off his desk. With a few short strides, he’s made his way to Eren and is towering over him. Levi feels a small sense of satisfaction when he sees just how tall Erwin is compared to the kid but that satisfaction fades when he realizes that he’s still smaller than both of them.

Fuck tall people.

“You can have this back.” Erwin says holding out Eren’s wallet. The kid looks at him, his eyes narrowed in suspicion, and hesitantly, arms moving slower than a fucking snail, takes the wallet from Erwin’s grasp. And then, as soon as the wallet is back in Eren’s hands, Erwin, being the idiotic, straightforward, blunt asshole that he is, asks: “Would you like to go out for coffee, Eren?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... I would love to have a legitimate excuse for being so late to update but I don't so all I can offer is an apology. I'm so sorry. I'm terrible at updating. The story's finished in my head, every single conversation and plot line, but I have a really hard time writing it. I'm so, so sorry.
> 
> Okay, once again, this is unbeta'd so if there are any mistakes, please let me know.
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos.


	3. always read the fine print

Erwin waits for an answer, standing patiently without an ounce of shame and still holding out the wallet.

Eren stares, eyes wide and mouth open in indignation.

Hange lets out a small ‘eep’ before clamping their hands over their mouth.

Levi, who has not misunderstood the context of Erwin’s question, sighs and wonders why he’s still working here and what would be the consequences of quitting right now.

“Uh…” Eren begins. He looks down at the wallet, unsure if taking it would mean confirmation and racking his brain to see if, somewhere in the depths of his mind there is a manual on how to deal with these types of situations.

There isn’t.                                                                                                                                                                                        

Erwin blinks. “My apologies, that was poorly worded.” He says with a small smile, and then with the smile still on his lips, he continues on with: “What I mean is: we’re going to have a chat in public so that you feel comfortable. The sense of security will, of course, be false as the place we are going to is owned by our corporation and the people you see there are working for us but a false sense of security is better than no sense of security. And by the time we’ve arrived at the shop, your background check will be complete and forwarded to me so our chat won’t be hindered with small talk.”

Eren gulps visibly, and Levi wouldn’t be surprised if a shiver runs down his spine as well.

“So, what do you say Eren? Shall we go for coffee?”

Levi sighs once more.

Everyone who’s met him believes that he is socially dysfunctional but they wouldn’t think that if they ever saw the true Erwin. The man has no understanding of how to deal with people who aren’t in his line of work, and the only reason no one notices is because they’re distracted by his attractiveness or befuddled by his eyebrows.

Levi knows that Erwin is really an alien for another planet where the two methods of survival are beauty and eyebrows. He tries so hard to fit in with the Earthlings but moments like this, moments where he’s scaring the living daylights out of an immortal teenager while Hange tries to swallow her fist in an attempt to conceal her laughter, reveal his true form.

“This is an offer I can refuse, can I?” Eren asks in a weak voice.

Erwin reaches out and grabs Eren’s hand. He places the wallet in Eren’s palm and uses his fingers to curl Eren’s around it. “No.” He replies as he pats Eren’s hand in an attempt to comfort the boy. “I’m afraid it’s not.”

 

***

 

Going out for coffee is perilous.

Living dangerously is something that comes with the profession and Levi knows his life is on the line every second of every day but being in a car with Hange is a whole new of level of danger.

There are a lot of hazards when driving but Levi doesn’t understand how a grain of sand bouncing off the blade of a spinning fan can be one of them, especially since he didn’t see any fans during the ride. Hange insists it was there but then again, she also insists she saw a grain of sand, a fucking grain of sand hit the blade so Levi calls bullshit.

Erwin sits beside her, eyes glued to his phone, oblivious to the deathtrap they are in. Occasionally he murmurs things, things that make Eren tense up, things like: “Your sister is very beautiful, she was adopted wasn’t she?”

And Eren leans forward and tries to peak at Erwin’s phone. He doesn’t manage to see it as Erwin’s broad shoulder prevents him from doing so but he still growls out: “Don’t talk about Mikasa. She has nothing to do with t-”

And then Erwin is nonchalantly cutting in with: “I’m sorry for the loss of your Mother. If you want, I can have one of my employees deliver flowers to her grave.”

“Don’t talk about my Mom either.” Eren hisses, still trying to sneak a peek. “Stop looking me u-”

“Oh, this is your Father? Hmmm?”

Eren stops straining his neck and his face scrunches up in confusion as he asks: “Wait. What does that ‘hmmm’ mean?” There is no reply from Erwin and Eren’s eyebrows furrow as he cautiously pokes Erwin with his finger. “Uh, that ‘hmmm’ didn’t sound good. Could you tell me what it meant? Hey… hey, are you ignoring me? Stop i-”

Suddenly, for a second, Levi feels like he’s being abducted by aliens as he’s lifted up from his seat and a bright light blinds him. Only for a second though. In the next second his ass is slamming back down and the oncoming car is swerving right and Levi’s vision is filled with spots of a color he can really describe and a horn is blaring for the world to hear.

“OOPS!” Hange exclaims and they cackle right after like this is something fun and not something that actually literally tests your mortality.

“Jesus.” Levi calls out under his breath and though he’ll never admit it, he grips the edge of his seat and prays for his life.

By the time they arrive at the shop, Eren looks ready to leg it and the car has somehow lost its hood and a tire. Erwin observes the vehicle with a frown and Hange swears the damage was already there when they were given the car so hey, let’s go have coffee, Eren’s immortal and you’re a great guy and shut up Levi, the damage was already there, you’re so short you couldn’t even see out the window so stop making up lies and shut your stupid face.

Pixis’ Coffee Shop is, in Erwin’s words, a quaint, little place. It resides in the heart of the city, shadowed by towering buildings and looks like it belongs in some backwater town. Under the calligraphic sign hanging atop the entrance is the shop’s logo which reads: ‘Definitely not a meeting place for assassins’. Whenever Levi looks at the stupid thing, he feels like tearing it down. But Erwin likes it and when Levi signed the contract to work for Survey Corps, the fine details said tearing down the quaint, little sign from the quaint, little shop was a no-no. A big no-no.

Levi wonders just how many people had to have attempted to tear down the sign for that little footnote to be added in the contract.

“Ah, Erwin!” A voice cries from inside the shop. “How good to see you again. Oh and you’ve brought friends! How wonderful!”

Dot Pixis is the type of person who looks like he’s never once been troubled in his life. He’s always jovial, always happy to help in his own cryptic ways and never without a drink nearby. In fact, Levi can spot bottle in his pants. Well, Levi hopes that it’s a bottle. Or a snake, even that would be fine. Anything but that old man’s penis. It would be really devastating to know that someone that ancient could actually have that big a dick.

“Good afternoon Dot.” Erwin murmurs with a nod. “May we have a booth please? We have a lot of business to be getting to and not nearly enough time to get through it all.”

“Tch. It’s always business with you Erwin. You should relax. Ever think about taking a holiday?” Pixis asks as he leads them to the back. “I hear almost every city in the world is nice in the summer. Why don’t you visit one of them?”

Erwin smiles and settles down. “Maybe when the company settles down.” He replies as Hange slides into the chair beside him.

Levi nudges Eren and signals him to sit opposite of Erwin and the boy does so with a huff. He’s somehow gained confidence since Erwin’s began commenting on his life. Pixis leaves as soon as they’ve all settled down; he already knows not to ask them if they want anything. Erwin’s request for a booth is a signal that means privacy is required and Pixis will make sure they have it. Retired government agents are good at those sorts of things.

“So…” Eren casts a not-so-furtive eye around the shop and shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “Any chance I’ll get to know what that ‘hmmm’ means?”

“You’re of German descent.” Erwin states, staring at the kid with unblinking eyes.

Levi hates when he does that. It’s like being scrutinized while in the middle of the most important exam of your life. The spotlight is on you. It’s intrusive and creepy. Erwin thinks it’s comforting. Erwin can go fuck himself.

Eren bites his lip and gulps. “I am?” He sounds like he’s unsure of the answer.

Erwin continues staring at him. He fidgets some more under the gaze. Hange calls over Anka Rheinberger by yelling they want coffee.

“Do any of you want anything?” Anka asks as she jots down Hange’s order with a polite smile. She looks up and notices what Erwin’s doing. “Oh, I see what’s going on. Okay, I’ll leave you to it.” As soon as she’s taken three steps away from them, she turns around again. “You didn’t happen to notice if Sir had any alcohol on him, did you?”

“Yes.” Levi replies and he will never understand why Anka calls Pixis Sir but he tired asking before and he doesn’t want to suffer through that again. “He had a bottle in his pants.”

Anka flushes and fiddles with the notepad in her hands while rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. “Uh, yeah.” She clears her throat and picks off an imaginary piece of lint from her sweater. “About that… turns out it’s not a bottle, so, um…” She trails off and offers Levi a weak smile.

“Oh, I would like coffee.” Erwin informs Anka, still keeping his gaze on Eren, and Levi bets she’s never been more grateful for an order in her life. “Black, no sugar.”

Anka nods, it’s a move so violent Levi is half expecting her head to fall off. “Your order will be right up! Please enjoy your time at Pixis’ Coffee Shop and call me if you need anything!” She tells them before hastily walking away.

Well… that’s devastating. Really devastating.

Levi will cry about this when he gets home. _If_. If he gets home. He’s not too sure he can survive another car ride with Hange on the wheel. In fact, he’s making a note of it right now.

_Note to self; make sure to cry about Pixis’ abnormally colossal dick if you survive another round of Hange’s lack of driving skill._

“But you’ve never seen Germany in your life.” Erwin finally says after making sure Eren’s thoroughly uncomfortable.

Before Eren can answer, Hange has lunged across the table, squeezed themselves in between Levi and the Eren and is clutching him tightly. “Erwin stop.” They cry as they pat Eren’s head. “You’re scaring the poor boy. Look at his face. He’s frightened to death.”

The kid tries to escape. He grabs Hange’s arm and tugs at it but Hange is deceptively strong. They somehow manage to wrap their legs around Eren’s waist and squeeze him tighter in some weird imitation of a four-armed octopus.

“You’re choking me!” Eren wheezes with his face contorted in pain. “I can’t breathe!”

Hange pats him on the head once more. “No, you’re not!” They say happily. It’s like they believe that by just saying those words, their arms snaking around Eren’s neck will cease to choke him.

Eren coughs and squeaks out: “Help!”

“Let him go Hange.” Erwin commands but he doesn’t do anything even though he knows Hange requires action, not words to listen.

“Order for Erwin Smith and Hange Zoë!” Anka calls from the counter.

For a second Levi’s confused as to why she isn’t bringing the order to them and why she has a fierce blush on her face but then he remembers.

Old man. Big dick.

_Oh…_ Levi thinks glumly, _right._

He turns to look at Hange who still hasn’t released the kid. “Let him go.” Levi demands.

Hange doesn’t listen and Levi maybe has to slam Hange’s head into the table from them to finally let go of Eren but results are results. Eren gasps for air, coughing and sputtering.

“Ow. That hurt Levi!” Hange complains as they rub their forehead with a frown on their face. “And that wasn’t very nice either.”

Levi doesn’t worry for Hange. They’ve got a strong head, they’ll be fine. Sure, some screws might’ve come loose but what’re a few screws in the scattered toolbox that is Hange’s mind? “I’ll show you nice.” He mutters under his breath.

Hange hears him though, and they open their mouth to retort but Anka calls out again and Eren shoots up. “I’ll get it.” He offers, mustering up a large grin as he squeezes past Levi.

Levi grabs his wrist and pulls him in closer. “Don’t you even think of running brat.” He hisses in Eren’s ear.

Eren pulls away. “I wouldn’t. I didn’t.” He fumbles around for words, stammering like an idiot and turning red which tells Levi he was thinking exactly that. “I won’t run.”

He walks towards the counter, stumbling like a newborn colt. Levi sees him eye the door and sighs before slowly getting up from his seat. When Eren lunges towards the door, Levi is there to trip him over and the people in the café don’t even blink.

“Fuck!” The kid shouts as he lands flat on his face. He sits up, cupping his nose, and glares petulantly at Levi. “Can’t you just let me go?” He asks.

Levi ignores his question and reaches towards the nearest table to grab some paper serviettes and tosses them to him. “Go and get the order.” He orders as he walks back to the table and he can hear the kid grumble behind him but knows that he won’t be stupid enough to try running again. At least, he hopes not.

A few seconds later, Eren joins them with two cups in his hands, he places them on the table and Levi scoots over to let him sit down. Hange immediately reaches for her coffee and begins inhaling the liquid, moaning over its sugary deliciousness.

“Let’s get down to business.” Erwin speaks after a few seconds. He lets his coffee simmer atop the table, and its smell tempts Levi to order a cup of coffee for himself. “I would like for you to join us.”

Eren blinks, mouth wide open at Erwin’s audacity.

Levi also blinks but unlike Eren, he does not leave his mouth open to catch flies.

Hange cackles while reaching across the table to weave their fingers between Eren’s.

Erwin waits a moment his for words to sink in; he looks the same as he did before he’d spoken, like he hasn’t just offered a Goddamned, raging, seventeen year old kid to join one of the most elite armed forces in the world.

“He’s seventeen years old, Erwin.” Levi reminds him, just in case he’d forgotten. “Just a k-”

“You would be a wonderful edition to our team.” He continues, blatantly talking over Levi like he isn’t there. “And we would we delighted to have you.”

“Like Hell we would!” Levi snarls, incensed that Erwin has gone and offered the kid a job without a word to Levi. “What the Hell are you th-”

This time, it’s Eren who interrupts him. “How dare you?” He spits out the words, eyes narrowed to slits and focused solely on Erwin. “How fucking dare you?”

Levi’s thoughts precisely.

“As if I would join you! You murder people!” Eren stands up in his rage and this time, the patrons of the café do turn their heads to look at him. “You probably don’t even care if they have a family or not! It’s all just money for y-”

“Sit down Eren.” Erwin says and his voice has only risen an octave higher but it’s enough for the brat to shut up and do as he’s told. “I would like for you to think about this rationally. We are an agency that knows everything about you – where you live, who you live with, your family, your friends – we know it all. It wouldn’t be a wise choice to refuse us.”

Eren pales. “You – you’re threatening me.”

Erwin shakes his head. “I’m just letting you know the disadvantages of refusing the offer. You have school fees, don’t you? And I’m certain your sister has school fees as well. With this job, your sister won’t need to worry about that. In fact you’ll never have to worry about money again. T-”

Eren’s phone rings again and he nearly shoots out of his seat. With fumbling hands, he pulls the device out of his pocket and looks at the caller ID.

“It’s Mikasa.” He informs them.

“Put it on speaker.” Erwin commands him.

As soon as he accepts the call, Mikasa’s voice comes blaring out. “I’m calling the cops, Eren. You’ve gone and done something stupid and I’m calling the cops. Do you hear me? I’m calling the c-”

“Wait! Mikasa wait!” Eren cries. “I’m fine. I just… uh…” He looks at the people around him; probably hoping one of them will give him an excuse and when his gaze falls on Levi, Levi simply shrugs. “I got a job offer!” He exclaims and then curses softly.

“You got a job offer.” Mikasa speaks slowly like she’s testing out the words. “You got a job offer.” She repeats. “Yeah, no. I’m not buying it. Goodbye Eren. I’m calling the cops.”

“No! Wait goddammit!” Eren shouts. “Just… here, I’ll let you talk to the guy… the – the employee. Here.” He hands the phone to Erwin and mouths ‘sorry’.

“Hello, this is Erwin Smith. I work for Pixis’ Coffee Shop and I’ve just offered Eren a job here. If you don’t believe me, you can look us up on the Internet.” Erwin informs Eren’s sister.

“Oh. No, that’s okay.” Mikasa sounds subdued. “I’ll just – can you please put Eren on the line?”

“Of course. Have a pleasant day Miss, and if you’re ever in town, don’t forget to visit Pixis’ Coffee Shop.” Erwin says professionally and then hands the phone to Eren.

Over the line, Levi hears Mikasa clear her throat. “I’m sorry for doubting you.” She murmurs. “Are you going to take the job?” She asks him.

Eren hesitates and looks up at Erwin.

You should.” Mikasa tells him. “We can buy equipment for the history assignment. Sasha spent the allocated amount on donuts.”

“I – really?” Eren scrunches his face in annoyance. “How did she find the money?”

“Connie helped her find it. I think Jean’s going to kill them both.”

Eren sighs and rests his head on the table. Hange’s hand hovers over his head like they want to pat him but Levi glares at them and they pull their hand back with a pout.

“I - I don’t know. I can’t b-okay, I’ll…” The kid lifts his head off the table and takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I’ll take it.”

“Okay.” Mikasa whispers. “I’ll talk to you later. Come home soon.”

She hangs up and Eren opens his eyes. Taking another deep breath, the kid musters up a brave front and reaches for Erwin’s coffee. Levi’s about to tell him off but Erwin catches his eye and signals him to keep his mouth shut. The dull chatter of other people fills their booth as Eren curls his fingers around the cup and takes a sip.

“Oh yuck.” He makes a face and puts the cup back down. “Oh my God, yuck. That’s not mine. I didn’t even order coffee, did I? Yuck. Oh God.” He freezes and glances at Erwin and immediately begins stammering. “I am so sorry. I didn’t – I forgot. I didn’t mean to… I am s-”

“It’s quite alright.” Erwin assures the boy with a kind smile as he pulls the coffee towards himself, and then he instantly starts talking about Eren’s employment. “You said you were going to work for us.”

Eren pales and coughs. “Um… yeah.” He coughs once more and Hange lets out an excited squeak. “But I don’t want to kill anyone! I’ll just be a secretary or something. I can be something like that, right?” He looks at Erwin hopefully and coughs again.

“You can be Hange’s assistant.” Erwin tells him and Hange shrieks so loudly it makes everyone wince. “But Levi will train you just in case.”

Levi is about to voice his disagreement when Erwin takes a sip from the cup Eren just drunk from. He feels disgusted, he feels personally affronted and he’s about to voice this when Eren starts having a coughing fit. “Jesus Christ, kid. Calm down.” Levi glowers at him as Hange asks him if he’s alright.

He’s clearly not alright. His face is going red and he’s practically clawing his own throat. The other people in the café are all blatantly looking at them right now and Pixis is approaching them.

“I can’t breathe!” Eren chokes out. “I can’t–”

“He’s having a panic attack.” Anka informs them, appearing out of the blue. “We need t-”

“He’s not having a panic attack.” Pixis cuts in with a grim voice. “He’s been poisoned.”

Levi’s eyes fall onto the coffee cup in Erwin’s hand.

Erwin coughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late again. Please forgive me.

**Author's Note:**

> First ereri fic ever. I just recently got into the fandom and oh my, I ship it so hard. Watching SnK might be the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) decision that I have ever made.
> 
> Any way, please let me know what you think and if you find anything wrong, don't hesitate to tell me.
> 
> Title is taken from the song 'Houdini' by Foster the People.
> 
>  
> 
> Edit on 25/7/14:  
> Forgot to post up the updated version. Sorry
> 
> Will put up next chapter soon. Hopefully. Probably not. Sorry again.


End file.
